To make me special - and why it doesn’t matter that much.
“B-b-b-but, if I’m not going to be special or extraordinary, what’s the point?”
I would like to start with this quote from Mark Manson’s excellent and totally extraordinary book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**k. It changed my life.
While reading the book I came to chapter 3 “You are not special”. That intrigued me. Everyone wants to be special. Perhaps not every day and for everything, but for sure I should be special and need to become extraordinary. At least that’s what I am hearing every day in the media, my Social Media and in the office. Amazing - nothing more, nothing less. After I read the chapter, I was not happy. No, not happy at all. My secret dreams about me being an acknowledged genius have been shattered.
What did Mark find out?
A) He is saying the problem with the whole self-esteem and confidence movement is that people are measuring confidence and self-worth by how positive they are - up to a delusional degree. There are people talking themselves into a state of over-confidence and to feel positively happy all the time becomes their drug. Trying to be super confident every day is exhausting and when something is wrong, the level from which you fall is so high that it will really hurt. His conclusion: Don’t measure your self-worth by your feelings about positive experience but rather how you deal with negative experiences. Because if you are accepting you are not perfect you can review why something went wrong and improve.
B) We cannot all be extraordinary. To be “average has become the new standard of failure” he stated. I listened up because to be honest, I am quite average and while I tried to say to myself “Hey, average is good, it is the middle ground, not everyone even achieve that” the category average nagged at my personal confidence. I want to be amazing. Like many people in communications and marketing I do not only enjoy the spotlight, I also think to tell people they can all be extraordinary is part of selling our products, it is part of our business. Amazingness is in our DNA.
Why does Mark want to destroy my bubble?
Because he believes your need to be amazing and above average can lead to dangerous thoughts. If you are only average, you are not worth it and nothing you do matters. Yeah, honestly, I’ve been down that road. To say, everyone needs, should be and also deserves to fall into the “super duper genius” box” is misleading and risky. So, what is the solution he offers?
He comes to this conclusion: The truly extraordinary are special not because they are born this way. Behind the exceptionalism stands the realization that you are not entitled and probably not the genius you think you are. And there is no birthright to be regarded as special, there is no “But I deserve to be called special”. People who do extraordinary are constantly working to improve and optimize out of the understanding that they can do better. And until you become amazing you will need to work hard for it, too. Don’t fall into the social media trap of exceptionalism. You also do not have to be the best prepared or the best organized all the time.
Take a step back and relieve yourself of the stress to be amazing every minute of your life. The moment you realize ordinary is your new gold standard and that ordinary things are the most important things in life (friendship, kindness, generosity) you will free up so much potential to “accomplish what you truly wish to accomplish, without judgement or lofty expectations” (p. 62).
After Mark shattered my dreams of being amazing, he throw me a lifeline: The ordinary matters and it is ok to be average now, as this is the perfect starting point to build my self-worth and confidence to become extraordinary in the future.
Please read the book. It is eye opening.
